The Annual 2006 Brain Stab Awards for ‘Self-Excellence in the Face of Overwhelming Apathy.’

It’s that time of the year when we here at Brain Stab decide to award ourselves prizes (and thus justify all that grant money we’re getting these days). It’s been a tough year but someone had to orchestrate it and fill your lives with the fun and frolics you so desperately mi

Pity about the lack of nazi fight nuns in graveyards, though. Next year…

Without further ado, the Annual 2006 Brain Stab Awards for ‘Self-Excellence in the Face of Overwhelming Apathy.

Part Deux.< The ‘Don Brash Violation’ Award – Apathy Jack

Where would we be without Jack? In a happy, brighter, faster world, but one without the incriminating details of Jack’s pedagogical practices, which we say is a fair trade-off. Jack, month after month, gives us the sordid details of his students’ lives; their drug use, their sex lives, their continuing travesties in becoming educated. Where other men would respect the privacy of their charges Jack sallies forth to make sure that we know exactly why he is becoming ever more emo.

The ‘Nicky Hagar Pearler’ AwardEric Olthwaite

Eric Olthwaite does not post often but when he does he delivers pearlers. Not all his entires to Brain Stab this year have been rude wake-up calls but everyone of them has been timely, apt and sensible. Where others of us post crap entry after crap entry in a vain attempt to look productive Eric, in his wisdom, holds back for months at a time, crafting his thoughts into pellets of fried gold, ready for viral propagation. We would admire this sort of activity if it weren’t for the fact that it makes the rest of us look bad. And, if the rest of us ever improve our game, it will make Eric look lazy.

The ‘Misunderstood Pendant’ AwardJosh

The Blogosphere is a tawdry place best suited to the prostitution of ideas and pie-fights, but some people keep on trying to make it ‘intellectual.’ The frequency of such acts has meant that a kind of watchperson role has had to evolve, and of all the Brain Stab posters Josh is the most likely to be cited in fireside conversations on the topic. From distinguishing ‘gaffs’ from ‘gaffes’ to debating the logical structure of similes, Josh admonishes us to be better, faster and less emo. Still, his cleverness sometimes backfires and sees him being accused of the same faults he is drawing attention to. Which, we suspect, proves the eternal truth that no one likes a smart arse.

The ‘Ayn Rand is a Flatulent Busybody’ AwardBrother Morthos

Brother Morthos is not deserving of any awards. He never shall be. We just like the title of this one and Brother Morthos would approve; anything to piss of the worthless bags of flesh that are the Objectivists.

The ‘Word Cannot Parse this Sentence’ AwardRSJS

Of all the posters to Brain Stab only one man has endeavoured to increase his language use to cyclopodean size. This ‘man’ is RSJS, a man whose sentences are so lengthy and convoluted that most mere mortals keep their ‘Strunk and White’ beside them whenever his name appears suffixed to a post. RSJS should be gratified to know that he has single-handedly reintroduced the ‘adjectival adjectiving adjective’ to the English language. Well done, that ‘man.’

Special Guest Commentator AwardHORansome

In so many respects HORansome is the sixth man of Brain Stab, a vital fluid in the machinery that is a Stab. In. The. Head. Whilst he doesn’t post articles to the site he does provide frankly insulting commentary to so many of them that should he disappear then the collective IQ of the Blogosphere would go up, up up. Seeing that we can’t have that now, can we? we award him a prize in the hope that it will keep him with us for another year. Also, we like his profile picture.

Coming up next year: Apathy Jack chucks his job as a teacher and becomes an accountant, Josh writes every post in txt-spk, Eric advocates Objectivism for Fun and Profit, RSJS provides even more pictures of his penis and Brother Morthos finally gets around to produce hardcopies of the ‘Manifesto of Self-Revocation.’


About Matthew Dentith

Author of "The Philosophy of Conspiracy Theories" (Palgrave Macmillan), Matthew Dentith wrote his PhD on epistemic issues surrounding belief in conspiracy theories. He is a frequent media commentator on the weird and the wonderful, both locally and internationally. On occasion he can be caught dreaming about wax lions but, mostly, it is rumoured he works for elements of the New World Order.