The Conspired North

Reuters, AAP

This just in; the Northern Hemisphere is awash in conspiracies. Our man on the spot, Mr. Matthew Dentith, has the news.

“Good evening. I’m sitting here in Marylebone shaken to my very core by the revelations that the streets of London have revealed over the last week. Conspiracies, long rumoured to the blood and bone of American politics, have crossed the oceanic divide and made themselves known to the otherwise peaceful and long-term pacifist Britons.

A flower store or something more sinister?“Nearby in the heart of Mayfair, London’s notorious Bavariantown, the Illuminati, long rumoured to be the wetdream of the VRWC and a bogeyperson to the Left, have not just arisen unholy from the grave but have started opening shops to peddle their delicious and subversive thought-crimes. This reporter was able to take this shaky phonecam picture near the American Embassy before being shoved along by a police officer armed only with a sub-machine gun. That the Illuminati have reappeared on a sound economic basis can only mean that Britain’s long-standing policy of keeping Europe divided has fallen into disarray. The European Economic Consortium, better known as the anagram ‘EU,’ goes from strength to strength and the UK, always with the hating of ‘Johnny Foreigner,’ has had to contract out to the natural enemy of freedom, democracy and clean underwear, the Bavarian Illuminati.

You'd be wrong to think that such structures only exist in Prague...“Further proof comes to use from one Mr. James Hall, whose efforts in photographic journalism have not gone unnoticed. This structure, currently being built in Cheswick, appears to be a triangular structure built into a wall that towers above the township. Could this be an Illuminati temple? This reporter says ‘Yes’ wholeheartedly. The structure, probably made from the ground down bones of babies and OAPs, will likely be illuminated at night by one hundred torches made from the fats of royal personnages rendered down by the factories owned by Tory fatcats. Sensationalism, one might argue, but other sinister moves in the United Kingdom only prove this reporter’s fears.

What other body parts are being traded in the CBD?“Harley Street has long been the medical centre of the Western world, with the very best of the surgical world having their exclusive cosmetic practices upon its hallowed streets. This reporter, however, has uncovered the sinister practices of these upper-middle class quacks whose nightly practices would leave a Cthulhu worshipper feeling dirty. Yes, somewhere within the bounds of Zone One a trade in human hearts is taking place. Where these important muscles are being sourced from can only be the lower classes, once oppressed by Thatcher herself. The Cockney spirit, weakened by years of economic repression and the realisation that foreigners, like this very reporter, are taking away their livelihood, are now sacrificing themselves in the hope that the monies earnt from this foul trade will be enough to shift their families to the safety of Milton Keynes or Swansea. Government officials deny any knowledge of this organ trade, insisting that the signs have been misread. I ask you; what does ‘Heart Hospital Deliveries’ signify to you.

“The UK. No longer the land of the free and the brave; it’s very spirit is threatened by malign forces. This is Matthew Dentith, the last free-thinking individual in the bounds of the United Kingdom, signing off this special report.”

Cosmetic surgery gone wrong or an indication of unlicensed genetic transplantion?Editor’s note: Mr. Matthew Dentith’s libellous attacks on Harley Street Medicos is thought to spring from his discovery of what one of these said cosmetic surgery’s did to the late-great Alvin Stardust. The fine minds at Brainstab would like to disassociate themselves from these remarks and simply point out that the ravages of time are unfriendly to all men.

Valentine’s Day

Being a horrible troll of a human being I don’t often get Valentine’s Day cards; I think the count is about nine over the course of twenty-eight years (and some of those don’t count because of the circumstances). Still, until today I had never received an anonymous card.

Anonymity in re Valentine’s Day has always struck me as not-even-vaguely silly. Now I know exactly who sent this card. It falls into the ‘bloody obvious’ category for two reasons; a certain reference in it and the fact that, being new to the UK I know exactly who has my address (since only the local bank really knows I exist). So I ask, what is the point of the anonymity? Is it meant to foster attention? Make me think idle thoughts of love? Engage my rumpy-pumpy mechanism? Am I spelling ‘anonymity’ correctly? Probably not. Sorry, side-tracked. If the sender of my Valentine wishes to remain hidden then why send it? If she wishes to be revealed why not sign it?

Oh, I get it. It’s obfuscation. If I decide to ignore the Valentine then she never need admit to it. If I decide to follow it then I’m still regquired to make the first move. Clever. Irritating. Still, endearing, although I belong to the ‘Women should make the first move’ society. Actually, this might count.

Talking about clever; I want to plug my Blogger profile because I had forgotten that I wrote this and I still find it funny:

Morthos (Brother Morthos to his friends) is a leading proponent of Intelligent Design Theory. He is the author of ‘The Identity of the Designer Revealed: The Elder Things,’ ‘The False Designer: Cthulhu’ and the educational pamphlet ‘The Mystery Of What Happened to the Designer Solved: The Shuggoth.’ He has been variously described; most people agree that he is the last of a dying breed of glorified dandies, fit only to commit high treason in this season’s most fashionable colours.

Post ends.

Last Night, in London

Whilst sipping on a pint of Courage’s Best Bitter in the Knights Templar I discovered that the man sitting next to me was the person who wrote up the amendment in the Lords that, as of two days ago, changed the very nature of free speech in the UK. It was quite the insight into UK politics and rather emphasised the difference between history-as-what-happened and history-as-what-is-reported. The story of the anti-religious slurring leglislation will be relayed as the fault of a certain whip and the fact that Tony Blair did not vote. Some mention will be made that the Lib Dems actually voted in a bloc and certain commentators might reference Rowan Atkinson as a major force.

Virtually no one, however, will mention the envelope or the Lord who so consistently bucked the system. Yet those two facts are the important ones. None of the primary actors in this drama ever thought that the amendment would become law, especially as what they essentially did was change something from indefensible to defensible; it was really more a measure intended to so divide the Parliament that the whole debate could start over again. That it passed is a glorious thing; of that I have no doubt (although, as my source admitted, there is a very real problem now for the treatment of people’s with alternative sexualities as it isn’t clear that you can abuse such sexualities without abusing the person themself).

I’m not a libertarian. I’m not even a liberal, truth be told, although I’d like to be. Like a lot of left-wing academics I can see that in a fully mature society that libertarianism (once excised of the Randian connotations that it seems steeped in) is the political ideal. But, as even a lot of people on the Right will admit, human society has yet to leave the terrible twos in respect to maturity so we can expect government interference in our lives for quite some time more. Yet the new bill excites me; once it gets Royal Ascent it will now be defensible to say ‘I was only being abusive, not threatening’ when you critique religious practices you find distasteful. This is a very fine distinction and the problem with fine distinctions is that not many people can make them. If the British can make this dictinction work then, maybe, we might reach the tiresome threes in a few years. Maturity might well be in the reach of cour children’s children’s children.

Which is exciting in its own right.